Friday, October 3, 2014

Scared






Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked.  

Enveloped in the silky layers of the night sky, you get lost in your thoughts. Swirls of energy, whooshing noises intersecting, all inside your head while you lay there, eyes closed, trying to sleep. It never comes. 

You think about that time when you were too scared to say anything, and could feel your words fly away with the silence in the air. Or that time when you wanted to cry, but held yourself because you had to remain strong. And thoughts of that time when you forgot how to think, forgot what it was to comprehend, and for once listened to your heart, your nerves and the blood gushing through them. Or that time when you really wanted to write something, but found yourself staring at a blank page for hours because some things are just hard to write about. 

Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked. 

You walk into a room and feel like you were supposed to do something, but you can’t remember. You  call her, feel like you were supposed to say something, but there are no words. You pull out the book, knowing you wanted to read, but nothing makes sense. You stare at the sky, waiting for it to rain, but the sulky clouds stare back at you, frustrated.

You wait. You count minutes. You wait again. You count some more. You continue waiting. Waiting for that letter you never received, waiting for that call that never rung, waiting for the train that never came, waiting for the flowers that froze. 

Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked. 

The fan is moving too fast, the bedsheets are crumpled, the place smells like dried jasmine and the skies turn to a dirty grey. You’re stuck there, feeling trapped and hopeless and just as you think you’re numb you can sense every hair on your body rise, and every organ in your body pump blood faster than those windmills you saw on your first road trip. Just as you think you’re numb you hear the incessant horns and the blaring beats of the drums. Just as you think you’re numb you see flashes of that time you watched a movie together, and when you sat and spoke about togetherness on that lonely bench. Just as you think you’re numb you can feel that mosquito sit on you. Shoo.

Just as you think you’re numb, you come alive. 

Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked. 

You are tired of shutting up. You are tired of not saying anything. You are tired of the explosions in your head. You are tired of the silence. You are tired of the blaring thoughts. And then you say it. Everything you’ve ever wanted to say, unedited, unfiltered. You talk faster than your colliding thoughts, you mumble, whisper and scream, unsure of how to do this. You switch topics, you switch tenses, you switch memories. 

And then you regret it.

Maybe somethings are better left unsaid, in the head. 

Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked.

Comfort; you look for it in your home, you look for it in words, you look for it in those songs you’re constantly listening to. Love; you look for it in the movies you watch, you look for it in the people you know, you look for it in the abstract. Safety; you look for it in places others have never tried, you look for it in work, you look for it amidst familiarity. Memories; you look for it in photographs you’ve stored in that old box, you look for it on your phone, you look for it in tattered books.

I know where to find comfort, love, safety and memories. Maybe I’m just scared to go there. 

Nights; they seem too long, and you still wish that dawn never knocked. 



Top: Thrifted -Mumbai, Vest: Stolen from mom, Watch: c/o Daniel Wellington

Photography: Shashreek Shridhar 


Love,
Sonshu